Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
this must be what syphilis tastes like
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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