you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Dude. I realize why I got sick. 8 shots three beers in an hour. Plus I ate an expired lunchable earlier.
Just an FYI if we break up I'm going to sleep with your cousin or who ever my dealer is.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
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