im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
Anyway. I unfriended all of these people like a grown up and I am never talking to them again
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
Randomize