I hate your face
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
Randomize
