I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I'm not going to drink anymore, and on that note I'm not going to drink any less either, so I'll see you there. . .
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
