tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?
I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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