Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
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