I want to have your abortion
textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
:)
Wipe that smile off your face.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
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