meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
two drunk chicks are talking to me about reinacting 2girls1cup
ill bring the camera dont start without me
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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