I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Fun fact. I am at the police dept. getting served a warrant for unpaid ordinance... and the officer was a one night stand from like 10 years ago.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
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