morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
it's not cheating when I paid for it
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
Everything was going well until he very loudly said that he wanted to cum on my fingernails.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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