he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Just woke up and read the text that drunk me sent you, i take it all back, and you can't have my power puff girl pillow either.
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
