I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
anyways, do you want to make more embarrassing memories that im bound to remind you about later and laugh about?
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
