I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
No. Nooooo. No way. She looked like Amanda Bynes. The recent one not the one from All That.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
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