Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
i feel like an archaelogyst. im pulling apart last weeks brownies to find the weed in them
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
he never texted me back from last night. i think brining out the suction cup dildo was a mistake
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
Randomize
