Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
only 75% of american men are circumcised...i guess this was bound to happen to me someday.
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
