omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Banana suit guy has an entourage and they're all douchebags. There is no god.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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