if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
Nobody cheats on THIS.
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
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