she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
Randomize
