i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
i blacked out hard core.. it was bad peeeed muh bed
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
There is only so much cookie dough and masturbating I can handle in one night.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
And then I realized my chick friends consist only of sober you, drunk you and hungover you
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
Randomize
