We won't sleep together?
I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
Not blacking out at our finals party is my Everest
I'm just gonna use that pot butter as dip for chips. That's fat, American AND stoner!
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
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