Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
I am literally missing a chunk of eyelashes. That's how fun it was.
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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