i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
So, I think think I left my underwear at your house. Well...not exactly your house but your roof.
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
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