I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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