Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I'm alittle affraid you might be dead, seeing how your work party is in an hour and you haven't answered me? I mean I'm picturing you 1. Passed out in your car covered in fries or 2. On a boat in a box to Mexico covered in coke. Please let it be number 1. And aren't we going to your work party?
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
I would reevaluate a bf who is happy with other guys doing me.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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