and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
Left my house last night with a girlfriend, $200 in my wallet, and 10 finger nails. Came home with no girlfriend, an empty wallet, and 9 1/2 finger nails.
Yea, I had a bad night too aha
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I just kept eating and watching him slide down the stairs head first
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