i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
it feels like theres a golf ball between my legs. the sex was totally worth it tho.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Randomize
