dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
It is such a beautiful day to not be arrested
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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