defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
I had fun last year but I was one half of the hoe train back then. At least I'll feel better about myself as a person this year.
I'm going to miss going to the strip club though.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
are you comparing glasses to pregnancy
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