the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
I just sneezed glitter I JUST SNEEZED G LITTER I j u st SneeZED GLIT TER I DO NOT HAVE TIME FOR THIS AT ALL.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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