last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
That's unfortunate. Distance can be a stoner's greatest enemy.
You make it sound like a battle for Middle Earth.
Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
