I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
We did it and he fell asleep and I was bored so I decided to go back to the party...is that bad?
from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.
i do.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
Dont worry about the blood on the pillow. its from my face.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
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