the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
So then you challenged the bartender to an arm wrestling contest for a free bottle of vodka
Sweet. Did I win?
Youre hungover arent you?
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Randomize
