Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Dude i'm seriously thinking about his nipples.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
I will pee on everything he values.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
