So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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