There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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