I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
im mourning your vaginas lack of frictional upkeep
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