Apparently you make a good broom.
Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
cant tell, his cock is acting like one of those inflatable arm waving things outside the market
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
woke up with a tree in my apartment. also the everclear bottle is suspiciously low
suspiciously? i think one of those explains the other
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
Randomize
