i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
Randomize
