Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
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