I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
She sent me a pic wearing only my batman cape. She stole my cape dude!
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
Randomize
