My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Just heard her singing at the school concert... I am honored my penis was touched by those pipes
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I'm definitely going to class still drunk right now and the freshman dressed as Hugh Heffner last night is texting me. I can't handle this.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
Randomize
