I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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