Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
not ubering you a puppy
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
