i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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