That girl would be way hotter if she changed her face.
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
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