Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
New drinking game, drink every time Rhianna says "Work" in her new song.
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
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