Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
