you would pick up someone in the library
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
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