high people should be assigned attendants
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
He fell into the beer pong table and broke it. Then he threatened to throw the toliet at us if we didn't let him keep playing
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
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