just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Someone somewhere has a picture of me vomiting in a bus stop trash can while a drag queen held my hair for me.
Pride claims another victim
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
If she didn't block me, she would have known that I sneezed on her toothbrush.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Randomize
