she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Dude that soap I drank last night is fucking killing me.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
also, when i showed up he started talking to me and eventually asked me if the girls treated me well. i went on to talk about my sex life. he was talking about his secretaries.
Ok, you agree to the terms? We can have sex, but this doesn't mean we're back together...it just means we're working on things. Got it? Sign here.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
Randomize
