so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
Randomize
