I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
