Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
If you're signed up as "sober sister" can you do cocaine or nah
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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