i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
were you high?
When?
Actually just blanket yes to that question
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
Randomize
