So drunk, too bad you don't want this
Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.
Doesn't she keep a spare?
Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
I AM CRUING IT IS 93:2 AM AND I AM CYGIN INT BED
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Randomize
