I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
My moral compass kept pointing to his penis.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
Randomize
