I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.�
Multiple bruises and a hell of a headache later, I have still to find out where the fuck I picked up the bottom half of a mannequin.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
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