I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
Got a plan. Ill do rock paper scissors and if you win we smoke a joint. Throw rock.
after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I have migrated to the couch. Minimal movement is still happening, but I should be mobile enough to go to the liquor store by eight.......so that good.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Randomize
