I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
PS my house is a mess.
pps I have a rash on my face.
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Randomize
