Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
He told me he loved me and then peed his own bed. So at least it was a memorable one night stand.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
