I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
They have edible shot glasses at target.
There really is a God.
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
YOU IS KIND. YOU IS SMART. YOU IS IMPORTANT. YOU IS CLEANING YOUR OWN VOMIT.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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