They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
So howd u manage to get high at a one year olds birthday anyway?
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
You made a glowstick headband with a helium balloon tied around it and climbed a tree in high heels. I was impressed.
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
Randomize
