Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
There is too much vodka and too much dick.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
I still owe him the card with all the sperm paper cutouts falling out like glitter saying " sorry you can't hold your load. Better luck next time "
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
Mashed potatoes are always the fuckin answer ok.
How do you know i dont look like i got attacked by a weedwacker on bath salts?
There's a random table in the kitchen...and it's not the kitchen table...we don't know where it came from
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
Sorry I had sex in your backseat while everyone was in the car
It's quite alright. I found his shorts in my backseat, not sure what he was wearing when we dropped him off
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
