Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
I tolerate his mediocre drunk sex for the mind blowing morning sex. More than worth it.
Im part way to drunk.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Randomize
