god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
She was hit by a car at 47 mph and lived. That explains everything.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
